


The Daily Life Of A Healer With A Terrifying Smile!!

by Chaos_Greymistchild



Category: Bleach
Genre: Background Relationships, Crack, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Unohana is so fucking done with this bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23981641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Greymistchild/pseuds/Chaos_Greymistchild
Summary: Unohana deals with everyone needing medical treatment for the most inane reasons and also centuries-long relationship drama with a terrifying smile and rapidly-depleting patience.
Relationships: Kurosaki Ichigo/Kyouraku Shunsui/Ukitake Juushirou, Kyouraku Shunsui/Ukitake Juushirou
Comments: 7
Kudos: 138
Collections: Villain of My Own Story Exchange 2020





	The Daily Life Of A Healer With A Terrifying Smile!!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedWolf_RoseEden](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedWolf_RoseEden/gifts).



Retsu smiles, close-mouthed. “This is the third time today already,” she tells the member of the Eleventh.

He pales instantly and promises not to be back until at least the next week.

She doesn’t point out that the next week starts tomorrow. “Very good. If you keep coming in, I was afraid I might need to give you some personal attention.”

Her smile broadens.

He all but runs from her.

“Juushirou needs emergency treatment,” she tells Shunsui via hell butterfly, “As such, he requires your presence.”

She has never seen anyone shunpo so fast into her emergency ward.

“Zaraki,” she greets the tied down captain. “This is the 17th annual appointment you have attempted to skip.”

She smiles beatifically. “Next time I will be forced to administer emergency treatment.”

He looks wary but asks despite that. “What is it?”

“Oh, I will very simply use that eyepatch you seem so fond of to leech every last drop of reiatsu from you then turn your entire division loose on you.”

He shudders and ardently attempts not to turn pale.

He is unlikely to miss another appointment.

There is shinigami wearing a veil hat in her office. She reigns in her irritation, breathes it out through her nose.

“How can I help you?”

They hesitantly lift the veil to reveal an _incandescently_ scarlet blush where tattoo ink doesn’t cover. “Can you get rid of it?” He asks, meek.

She refuses to resolve the Eleventh’s foolhardy drunken escapades for them.

She smiles serenely. Lovingly.

“No.”

Shunsui is sulking in her office.

She takes a brief moment to pray to the Soul King and brace herself. “What brings you to my office, Shunsui?”

“Ukitake has run out of his medicine but he’s busy doing his paperwork managing his lieutenants so can’t come out here and get it himself.”

She had _known_ it would come to this. She steps around him to her cabinets of medicines and poisons and selects the one she had stored there specifically for the occasion.

“And your payment, Shunsui?”

He whines at her for a few minutes, until it becomes clear that she would not budge, and her smile widens to curve her eyes and show the slightest hint of teeth.

Reluctantly, he steps in close to whisper to her that he had pressed a kiss to Juushirou’s cheek. For a moment, she thinks that perhaps he has finally seen the truth, but then he elaborates that Juushirou had shifted in what he thought was discomfort and that he hasn’t touched Juushirou’s face since.

Her smile twitches, in true irritation.

“Shunsui, old friend, I do not wish to see you in my office until you have prepared your next corresponding payment. Good day.”

Zaraki is escorting a crying Kusajishi into her emergency room. A crying Kusajishi is in her emergency room.

It has not been even a few heartbeats and already her lips are curving into the degrees of smile she reserves solely for the truly imbecilic.

“Why are you here.”

“Kusajishi’s teeth hurt!” the child yells.

Yells. In her emergency room. That her teeth hurt.

“You could have made an appointment. Or come to my office.”

“But Kusajishi’s teeth hurt!”

She closes her eyes briefly, asks the Soul King for strength, and then stares into Kusajishi’s eyes with all the intensity of her younger days at the blade. “Come to my office.”

It is, naturally, cavities.

Juushirou is resting overnight in his reserved overnight room and he is as dreadfully anxious as always. Not about the stay or the tests, her nurses assure her, but about something else he won’t tell them about.

She would have been willing to bet – if anyone ever dared bet against her – that he was fretting over Shunsui again.

“What if he doesn’t want me to,” he blurts out to her the moment he sees her, “What if Kyouraku doesn’t want me to—to touch him. What If he doesn’t like me… _that_ way. He hasn’t touched me skin-to-skin for a year, Retsu. Kyouraku! A year!”

She very carefully does not make any moves that could be construed as her wanting to drag her hands down her face.

“Have you tried reaching out and touching him?” she councils him gently instead.

His eyes are round and shocked. “But what if he doesn’t want me to! That would be so rude and— the impropriety, I couldn’t possibly—”

For a heady moment, she contemplates burying her head in her hands and sobbing.

Then she steels her nerves and smiles at him.

“Please touch him. And _talk_ to him.”

Genryuusai is in her office. There are ice burns.

She beams at him.

A wild Ichigo is in her office. By that, she means that Ichigo Kurosaki is in her office seeking medical attention without his usual escorts or hovering fretters.

And also seeking her out for medical attention instead of charming little Inoue or that cunning Kisuke.

She heals his kido burns as he quietly confesses his crushes on Juushirou and Shinsui and his lack of idea what to do with said crushes. She fights to keep her smile from twitching and very deliberately does not flip the table.

She _smiles_ down at him.

 _Smiles_.

 _With teeth_.

The Eleventh lackey quailing before seems to sink into the floor. She doesn’t look away from him as she carefully extracts a foot-long pole from his partner’s abdominal region.

“The next time you decide to practice beating each other to an inch of death with things that aren’t swords, I _highly recommend that you bring with you a healer, am I understood_.”

The Eleventh on her operating table squawks. “But we can’t have a Fourth hanging around! They’re all too weak to be around us when we go all out—”

She casually twists the pole in her stomach. “What were you saying about my division members, again?”

The Eleventh stutters incoherently.

Ah, yes, non-Ichigos and non-captains tend to be unable to talk through the pain of something being impaled through them and then twisted rather viciously.

She beams.

Ichigo, Shunsui, and Juushirou stumble awkwardly into her office as she is doing paperwork, and she sets down her brush with a sigh and a pointed click of wood on jade.

“What is it you need today?”

“Look!” Ichigo says, beaming, and lifts his hands to show her his fingers interlocked with both Shunsui and Juushirou’s.

Well, that would explain the somewhat fumbling entrance she had heard.

“Congratulations,” she tells them, barely bothering to add any inflection to her tone. “Will that be all?”

“Yup!” Ichigo agrees and drags the two captains off, humming.

Perhaps she’ll get some proper peace and quiet after all.

Alack, Zaraki blows in the next day with a sobbing and screaming Kusajishi. Again.

Children and their fucking _cavities_.


End file.
